How to Heal Attachment Issues in Relationships
If you’re here, chances are you’re navigating relationships and trying to make sense of why you act the way you do in love.
Maybe you’ve felt like something’s holding you back, like you push people away or cling too tightly.
I’ve been there – stuck in an avoidant attachment style for years until I did the work and became securely attached.
And let me tell you, your dating life will level up once you heal your attachment wounds.
This post is all about understanding the different attachment styles, how they form, how they affect our relationships, and most importantly – how to move towards a secure attachment style.
Let’s dive in!
Chapter 1: Understanding Attachment Styles
What is an Attachment Style?
Attachment styles are the emotional bonds we form with others, especially in romantic relationships.
Our attachment style is shaped by how we were treated as a child—mostly by our family and caregivers.
But here’s the thing: it’s not set in stone.
If you felt lonely, isolated, insecure, or went through trauma in your teen or young adult years, your attachment style can shift.
Even a toxic or abusive relationship in your 20s or 30s can do that.
Your attachment style is shaped by your life experiences and how your mindset evolves.
So how do you even know what your attachment style is?
Let’s break down each one with all the signs so you can figure out which one fits you best.
1) Avoidant Attachment Style
Where it comes from:
- Physical or emotional neglect
- Lack of affection and empathy from caregivers
- Being told not to cry, that you’re too sensitive, or that showing emotion is wrong
When you grow up with inconsistent care and no affection, you start associating closeness with chaos and pain.
Isolation becomes your safe space. So when someone tries to love you, your first instinct is to run.
What this looks like in your dating life:
- You struggle to feel or show your emotions
- Physical closeness makes you uncomfortable
- You get the ick when someone is affectionate
- You stay stuck in situationships or become a serial dater
- You constantly self-sabotage
- You push away people who actually care
- You settle for people you know there’s no future with (they’re married, wrong culture, also avoidant)
2) Fearful Avoidant / Disorganized Attachment Style
This one’s a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment traits all tangled up.
Where it comes from:
- Same root as avoidant—neglect, trauma, and emotional inconsistency growing up
You want love. You crave love. But you also fear it.
Deep down, you value connection and closeness, but the trauma part of you doesn’t know how to handle it.
So you pull people in and push them away at the same time.
How it shows up:
- You fear rejection constantly
- You’re sensitive to people pulling away
- You want validation, but can’t give it back
- You avoid emotional connection
- You get stuck in toxic cycles because love feels like danger
- You struggle to communicate your needs
- You have major trust issues
- Mood swings and intense reactions are common
You literally don’t know how to feel safe in love, even though it’s what you want the most.
3) Anxious Attachment Style
Where it comes from:
- Inconsistent parenting. One day you’re praised, the next you’re punished. Love felt like a reward—not a given.
This leads to low self-esteem and a constant fear of rejection.
You never know where you stand, so you’re constantly trying to prove your worth.
In relationships, this looks like:
- Clinginess and codependency
- Always needing reassurance and validation
- Struggling with being alone
- Obsessing over your partner
- Feeling unlovable
- Constantly afraid they’re going to leave
- Taking everything personally
- You perform for love. You feel like you have to earn it.
If someone’s having an off day, you think it’s about you.
You spiral. You assume you did something wrong. You question your worth. You get anxious when they don’t text back fast enough.
You give too much. You lose yourself in your relationships. You struggle with boundaries. You get jealous easily—even in friendships.
And deep down, you think: “I’m just lucky someone likes me.” That’s a lack mindset. You don’t believe in abundance. You’re just trying to hold on.
4) Secure Attachment Style (What We’re All Working Toward)
This is the goal. This is the version of you that’s healed and thriving in love.
Traits of a secure person:
- Positive outlook on relationships
- Healthy communication
- Doesn’t overthink
- Comfortable with intimacy and independence
- Sets boundaries and respects others
- Resolves conflict maturely
- Trusts others and assumes good intentions
- Has a strong support system
- Doesn’t need others to feel whole, but still loves openly and fully
They know what they want. They go after it.
They don’t settle. They don’t play games.
They know what they want. They go after it. They don’t settle. They don’t play games.
They treat people with love and respect because that’s how they treat themselves.
Chapter 2: Healing Avoidant Attachment & Moving Toward Secure Love
Let’s be honest—having an avoidant attachment style can feel like a badge of honor in today’s world.
You’re independent. You don’t get your heart broken.
You’re unbothered, untouchable, and immune to the chaos of romantic drama.
People admire you for it.
You walk through life with your walls high and your emotions tucked away neatly, and no one gets too close.
And maybe, there’s a part of you that feels a little superior to everyone else anxiously checking their phones for a text back—because you simply don’t care.
Except you do.
Somewhere underneath that calm, cool, and detached exterior is a part of you that longs for connection—but has no idea how to safely let it in.
I used to believe my solitude was my sanctuary.
I clung to it like a shield, proud of my hyper-independence.
But eventually, I realized that what I called “peace” was actually a dangerous form of emotional isolation.
That realization was the beginning of my healing.
It marked the shift in mindset that led me from avoidance to secure, connected love.
And here’s exactly what I did to get there:
1. I Built Self-Awareness Around My Avoidant Patterns
I started noticing the exact moments I would pull away—especially when someone started getting close.
I became aware of how I’d fixate on small, irrelevant flaws in the people I dated.
These thoughts were just self-sabotage in disguise.
That awareness helped me stop blaming my partners for the emotional distance I was creating.
I learned to pause and ask myself, “Am I creating distance because of fear, or because something is truly wrong?”
When I stopped ending things prematurely, I gave people the chance to truly connect with me.
That was the first major step.
2. I Practiced Receiving Support Instead of Over-Relying on Myself
Hyper-independence kept me feeling safe, but it also kept me disconnected.
So I challenged myself to ask for help—even when I didn’t need it.
I’d ask a friend or partner for advice on something I’d already decided on, or I’d ask them for help with a small task
I could easily do on my own.
It wasn’t about the task—it was about letting people show up for me.
Trust is built in those small moments.
Connection deepens when we stop trying to do life alone.
3. I Journaled with Gratitude to Stop Sabotaging Love
When my avoidant thoughts would spiral, I would force myself to write a gratitude list about my partner:
- Every kind thing they did
- Every sweet message
- Every memory we built
- Every time they showed up for me
Reading that list brought me back to the present moment, not the past wounds echoing in my head.
Avoidant thoughts often try to convince us that love isn’t safe—but they’re just unhealed trauma on a loop.
This practice grounded me in reality and stopped me from running when things got real.
4. I Let Go of Rigidity and Opened My Mind to Love
Avoidant attachment often hides behind “high standards.”
And while it’s important to know your worth, being too rigid is just another form of protection.
I used to have a checklist of traits I had to see in a partner—like being highly creative and entrepreneurial.
But I realized those traits didn’t actually reflect how someone would treat me in a relationship.
Being open-minded doesn’t mean settling; it means being flexible enough to let love in.
5. I Communicated My Needs Instead of Avoiding Them
I used to think that being in a relationship meant sacrificing my independence—and that belief kept me from getting close to anyone.
So I tried something radical: I communicated. I told my partner, “Hey, I value my space.
I don’t want to text all day—it drains me.”
And guess what?
He understood.
We created a rhythm that respected my independence and his need for connection.
It taught me that communication isn’t conflict—it’s freedom.
And it helped rewrite the narrative in my mind that said, “You can’t be independent and in love.”
Because now I know—you absolutely can.
6. I Chose a Partner with a Secure Attachment Style
Most of my past relationships were with people who had anxious attachment.
At first, it felt like a perfect match. They chased, I distanced. They clung, I pulled away.
It felt familiar—but it was also toxic.
Avoidant and anxious types often attract each other because they validate each other’s wounds.
Anxious partners chase validation, and avoidants withhold it—both reinforcing their fear-based patterns.
Choosing to date someone secure changed everything.
He doesn’t chase, nor does he withdraw.
He communicates. He respects boundaries.
He gives space, but also shows up consistently.
And slowly, being with him helped rewire my nervous system.
I realized that love doesn’t have to feel chaotic. It can feel safe. Balanced. Grounded.
Healing your avoidant attachment won’t happen overnight.
But every time you choose to lean in instead of pull away, every time you pause instead of self-sabotage, and every time you allow someone to get a little closer—you’re rewriting your story.
You’re creating new evidence that love can be both safe and expansive.
And that’s the real power of healing: not becoming someone else, but becoming more of yourself, without fear.
Chapter 3: Healing Anxious Attachment & Becoming Secure in Love
Healing from it doesn’t mean becoming cold or detached or pretending you don’t care.
It means gently rewiring your mind to no longer chase love from a place of fear—but to welcome love from a place of self-worth, confidence, and peace.
1. I Challenged My Jealousy & Insecurity
If you ever feel uneasy when your partner has friends of the opposite sex, you’re not alone.
It’s one of the most common anxious responses—but you can reprogram this.
Instead of spiraling, start asking:
- Why does this feel threatening to me?
- How can I talk to my partner about this with honesty and calm?
- What can we do together to strengthen trust?
And most importantly, how can I peacefully coexist with these situations instead of letting them consume me?
This isn’t about suppressing your emotions—it’s about facing them and choosing to respond from trust instead of fear.
2. I Redirected My Focus Back to Me
If you find yourself constantly thinking about your partner and worrying about the relationship, gently shift your energy back into your own life.
Ask yourself:
- What can I do today that brings me joy?
- What dream or goal can I pour my love into?
- How can I create more inner fulfillment so my mind has less space to spiral?
Your anxious thoughts will fade when your life is full of meaning, purpose, and self-love.
Give your energy a new direction.
3. I Replaced Guesswork With Communication
Instead of sitting with swirling thoughts like “Are they mad at me?” or “Are they losing interest?”—I started just asking.
Yes, really asking.
Texting or calling and saying, “Hey, can I ask you something?
I’ve been feeling a little unsure about something you said earlier,” can feel scary at first.
But over time, it builds massive trust.
When your partner consistently reassures you, your brain learns that communication is safe.
Your anxiety starts to relax.
Eventually, you won’t need constant reassurance—because you’ll already know how they feel.
4. I Built Real Confidence (Not Just Surface-Level Validation)
Anxious attachment often stems from feeling like we’re not enough.
So we attach quickly, chase validation, and cling to relationships out of fear of being abandoned.
To heal, you have to start validating yourself.
Affirm this:
I love who I am. I bring so much to the table.
My worth is not defined by anyone else choosing me.
And yes, there are beautiful people out there—but that doesn’t diminish your beauty.
Someone else shining doesn’t make you dim. Repeat that until it becomes your truth.
5. I Let Go of Scarcity Thinking and Embraced Abundance
When you think there’s only one person out there who could love you, you’ll cling tightly to anyone who shows interest—even if they aren’t right for you.
That’s scarcity thinking.
Flip it: There are so many loving, kind, emotionally available people in the world who would love to be with someone like you.
Once you start believing this, you’ll stop obsessing over one person.
You’ll take your time. You’ll explore. You’ll raise your standards.
You’ll stop saying “yes” to people just because they said “yes” to you—and start asking yourself, “Do I even like them?”
This is how you shift into secure love—by choosing yourself first.
6. I Practiced the Art of Detachment (In a Loving Way)
A lot of anxious people fear detachment.
They think it means shutting down, being cold, or not caring.
But that’s not true at all.
Healthy detachment means loving someone fully without making them your entire universe.
It’s about staying present instead of obsessing over the future or fearing the worst.
It’s about releasing the outcome, and reminding yourself: I am whole, with or without them.
You can love deeply and be emotionally grounded.
That’s what secure attachment looks like.
7. I Adopted the ‘Addition Mindset’
This is a powerful shift.
Whenever something negative comes up—an argument, a misunderstanding—I now ask myself:
What can I gain from this?
Maybe the conflict will lead to deeper understanding.
Maybe a disagreement will teach us how to love each other better.
Even hard moments can be healing if you stay open to the lessons.
This mindset takes the power away from fear and puts it back into growth.
8. I Became My Own Source of Validation
If you’re constantly needing others to prove you’re worthy, that’s a sign it’s time to turn inward.
You don’t need to wait for someone to say “You’re amazing.”
Say it to yourself—again and again.
Start treating yourself like you’re the love of your life. Because you are.
The more you love yourself, the less you’ll tolerate anything less than love from others.
Healing anxious attachment is a journey.
But every time you choose to respond differently, every time you choose trust over panic, clarity over guessing, and self-love over insecurity—you get closer to secure love.
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present, patient, and loving with yourself along the way.
Chapter Four: Shadow Work Prompts & Affirmations
Shadow work is a powerful and essential part of your healing journey.
This will guide you through deep inner reflection so you can begin to shift old patterns, beliefs, and emotional wounds tied to your attachment style.
We’ll begin with journal prompts, starting with avoidant attachment, followed by prompts for anxious attachment.
If you identify with a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style, you are encouraged to pull prompts from both sections, as you likely carry traits from each.
At the end of this , you’ll find a set of powerful affirmations designed to support your healing and growth — no matter your attachment style.
Journal Prompts for Avoidant Attachment
- What doesn’t feel safe about relationships to me?
- Why do I view dependency as a negative thing?
- What methods do I use to escape intimacy (e.g. overworking, hobbies, serial dating)?
- What do I fear will happen if I truly let someone in?
- What does my ideal relationship look like?
- How can I show up more fully for my partner?
- How can I honor my independence while still building deep, meaningful connections?
- What childhood experiences may have contributed to the development of my avoidant attachment?
- In what ways has my avoidant style impacted my past relationships?
- What toxic patterns or behaviors do I engage in that reflect avoidant tendencies?
- What insecurities do I hold around intimacy and emotional connection?
- How do I typically react when someone tries to get emotionally close to me?
- What thoughts and feelings arise in these moments of closeness?
- What limiting beliefs about relationships are holding me back?
- How can I begin to practice vulnerability while still honoring my boundaries?
- What are some healthy coping mechanisms I can use when I feel the urge to shut down or pull away?
- What are some small, realistic steps I can take today to start healing my avoidant attachment?
You now understand what avoidant attachment is and how it may be affecting your relationships.
From here, it’s about incorporating healing habits that feel aligned with who you are and what you need — habits that support both independence and connection.
Journal Prompts for Anxious Attachment
- Why do I feel the need to be surrounded by others to feel happy?
- What am I afraid of when it comes to being alone?
- What childhood experiences contributed to the development of my anxious attachment?
- What toxic behaviors or patterns am I repeating that stem from my anxious tendencies?
- What fears or insecurities do I have around abandonment and rejection?
- How do I typically respond when I sense my partner is pulling away?
- What thoughts and emotions come up for me during those moments of disconnection?
- What limiting beliefs around love and closeness are holding me back?
- How can I practice self-regulation and soothe my anxiety in relationships?
- What are some healthy coping mechanisms I can lean on when I feel emotionally overwhelmed?
- How have my past relationships contributed to my anxious attachment?
- What is the root cause of my relationship anxiety?
- Why do I sometimes feel I’m not “good enough” for love?
- What are my biggest emotional triggers in relationships — and where do they stem from?
- What can a partner do to help me feel more safe and secure?
- What actionable steps and new habits can I start implementing today to support my healing?
Affirmations for All Attachment Styles
These affirmations can be used daily to support your healing, shift your self-talk, and rewire your mindset around relationships:
- I am worthy of love and affection.
- I am capable of building healthy and fulfilling relationships.
- I trust myself to make choices that support my emotional well-being.
- I deserve kindness and respect in all of my relationships.
- I am capable of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
- I am secure and confident in myself. I am lovable and valuable.
- I am growing every day, and with each step, my attachment style is evolving.
- I am willing to be vulnerable and open because I have safe, supportive people around me.
- I choose partners who are loving, respectful, and emotionally available.
- I am grateful for the healthy connections in my life.
- I can thrive in my career and also nurture a loving relationship.
- I am fulfilled and loved, no matter how others behave.
- My partner’s need for space is not a reflection of how lovable or worthy I am.
That last one is especially for those with anxious tendencies — it’s a powerful reminder that space doesn’t mean abandonment.
Chapter Five: Turning Insight Into Action
Now that you’ve done the reflective work, it’s time to take action.
This chapter provides you with practical steps to move from awareness to healing.
Healing your attachment style takes intention, repetition, and self-compassion — and these steps are here to guide you.
Step 1: Discover Your Attachment Style
Search “attachment style quiz” on Google — it’s free and takes just a few minutes.
This quiz will help you understand how you show up in relationships and give you clarity on which attachment style resonates most with you.
Step 2: Deep Dive Into Your Style
Once you know your style (whether it’s avoidant, anxious, fearful-avoidant, or secure), research it thoroughly.
Learn everything you can — what traits show up for you?
Which behaviors resonate most?
The more you know, the more empowered you are to heal.
Step 3: Do the Shadow Work
Using the prompts in Chapter Four (or creating your own), start journaling.
The goal here is to uncover the root causes of your fears, beliefs, and emotional reactions.
Awareness is the first step to transformation.
Step 4: Relationship Inventory
This one is deep, but it’s worth it.
Write out a list of all your past relationships (exes, friendships, even family members) and create a pros and cons list for each one.
- Where did you feel loved and accepted?
- Where did you feel rejected or abandoned?
- What patterns do you notice?
You may discover that much of your pain traces back to childhood or specific relationships.
This exercise offers clarity — and with clarity, you can start setting new, healthier boundaries.
Step 5: Radical Accountability
Now, look at the list you created and ask yourself:
- What self-sabotaging behaviors did I engage in?
- How did I contribute to the dysfunction or pain in these relationships?
- How did my attachment style influence my actions?
This is not about blaming yourself — it’s about empowering yourself with truth.
Holding yourself accountable is one of the hardest yet bravest things you can do.
It’s also where your healing will accelerate the most.
Step 6: Read and Rewire
Buy two books:
- Attached by Amir Levine
- All About Love by bell hooks
These books were instrumental in my healing and helped me move from avoidant attachment to secure attachment — and into a healthy relationship I’m in today.
I cannot recommend them enough.
Final Thoughts
Healing your attachment style is not a linear journey.
There will be breakthroughs, setbacks, moments of clarity, and moments of resistance.
But the fact that you’ve made it this far is proof that you are ready.
You are ready to love better, receive love more openly, and build a life of emotional security.
You’ve got this.
Your healing starts — and continues — with you.
